Adoption Day 2014

On June 25, 2010, our adoption became legal. The kids and I had dinner and dessert out today to celebrate. We spent a couple minutes sharing our memories from the past four years. I felt good that I finally had some memories to share with them that they didn’t remember. Since I didn’t know them as babies, I’ve not really been able to tell them funny stories about things they used to do. We talked about our first trip to the water park and a silly game I used to play with BC.  In another four years, the kids will be 10 and 13. It’s hard to image them being so old. When they were 2 and 5, I definitely couldn’t imagine them at the ages they are now.

Homework horror

BC is in kindergarten this year and the homework situation is awful. Every Monday he brings home a packet of work that is due on Friday. For him, the work is simple – one digit addition, writing punctuation, and short spelling words like “it” and “can.”

I know he can do the work, yet he seems to enjoy making things more difficult. He often claims that he forgot how to sound out certain letters when he had read them perfectly fine the night before. It takes him a very long time to get through homework and he gets upset when BE finishes before him and gets to play.

I understand that something about homework is probably overwhelming for him, and I wish I could figure out what it is. He’s not old enough yet to really put words to his feelings. If I ask why he doesn’t like homework or what bothers him about homework, he just says he doesn’t know.

As always, I was reading the BCLC monthly newsletter, and of course Heather had some great advice. A reader had asked how to deal with her teenage daughter who wouldn’t help with family dinners, which made her appear lazy. Here are a few quotes from the response:

“To solve this issue, do proactive work and develop a plan with your daughter. This is a child who needs you to join her and to assist her in order to keep her from automatically going into overwhelm…. Explore the real issue: it’s too much for her and it is threatening…. Moving a child out of a state of overwhelm happens within the context of the relationship. Focus on the relationship.”

As always, for Heather, it’s all about the relationship. She did share some ideas for discussing the issue with the daughter, but I know BC can’t have that type of conversation yet. So, it’s nice to be reminded that building our relationship will help. I think he would like more attention than he’s getting, so the challenge for me will be to figure out how to invest more time. We don’t get home from latchkey/work until 6 p.m. and there’s a lot to do before bedtime. I’ll be looking forward to July when school is out for the summer.

BC’s 6th Birthday

BC had his 6th birthday earlier this month. I keep thinking about when first we met him, he was just over a year old and still learning to walk. He’s still as fearless as he was back then. Earlier this month he delivered a monologue at a school program and the audience loved him – check out the video (I apologize for the dark images – I tried to distort the video because I generally don’t share photos of the kids publicly) http://youtu.be/lSFEwc3Lw8A.

Love in the D

J and I got married in 2005 in the Detroit suburbs. At that time, I hardly had any experience with Detroit. I had rarely been there and couldn’t find my way around at all. We had a perfect wedding and I wouldn’t change anything, but now that I know Detroit much better, I’ve discovered that there are so many wonderful wedding options here. So, I was excited when I had the opportunity to write for Love in the D, a blog focused on local and socially conscious weddings.  If you’re planning to get married in the city, this blog is a great resource, featuring wedding venues, caterers, and info on real Detroit weddings. Be sure to check out my guest post on Love in the D with details on weddings at the Museum of Contemporary Art Detroit.

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Photo from our suburban wedding in 2005

Thankful

I always make my kids write thank you notes for the gifts they receive, usually for Christmas and birthdays. BE just had her 9th birthday, so we were working on thank you notes for her friends. For the first time ever, I got a thank you note. I was so happy that she was thoughtful enough to do this unprompted and that she really appreciated her gift. I’m working hard to hold onto the positive things; I spend too much time dwelling on the negative.

She needs a little work on her past tense

She needs a little work on her past tense

The unrealized dream

Thanks to their teachers, both of my kids are familiar with Martin Luther King Jr, what he worked for, and the things he said. A few days ago, BE told us that Dr. King’s dream had come true based on this part of his “I Have a Dream” speech:

“… little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.”

BE reasoned that because she held hands with one of her friends at school, that the dream has been realized.

J and I explained this is an important step, but that we’re not there yet. J pointed out some evidence of the problem that she could relate to. It’s a fact that in her current school, there are very not many caucasians. And, in her previous school, there were even fewer African Americans. I know J and I would both like to see an end to the voluntary segregation that we’ve put upon ourselves. And, I’d love for the kids to have this same vision – and to be part of the solution.

An unfortunate Christmas tree

For many years, I had a “themed” Christmas tree. Only star shaped ornaments in gold, silver, or white were allowed. The kids first moved in with us at Thanksgiving in 2009 and by the time Christmas came around, there hadn’t been time for them to make any of those homemade ornaments that I knew would ruin my tree. In 2010, I had a great solution – I bought them their own little miniature trees to keep in their rooms. I tried my best to make it seem like this was a favor to them – and not merely a way to keep their beaded wreaths and foam ornaments off my tree. It worked well for a few years, but this year I finally gave in. I can’t control everything, even though I still wish I could. I still haven’t caved on Santa though …

tree

Breakdown

J and I still own the house we lived in before we moved to Detroit. It was empty for a few months while we were looking for new renters. One day last month, the kids were off of school and we went there so I could paint one of the rooms.

I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy day because the house is empty and there are no toys/TV there. Plus, BE had homework. It was a disaster. BE had a tantrum because she thought her homework was too hard. BC got paint all over himself. The two of them fought constantly. It took forever to paint and since the homework was never finished, I didn’t get to bring out the laptop I brought as backup.

I had what I’ve come to think of a breakdown. I yelled, cried and had my own tantrum. And I spent the next month in a little depression. I say “little” not because it was insignificant, but because it was in addition to the existing depression.

Parenting and being married is hard. You hear that before you do either of those things. And, you’re expecting it, but it usually turns out to be hard in ways you were not expecting. Ways that are more difficult to cope with than you anticipated. And, sometimes you feel that the biggest disappointment is yourself.