When work is more appealing than staying home

I have a confession: I’m nervous about being home with my kids just two days a week this summer. I’ve been working full-time for most of the years the kids have been with us, but now I’m working three days a week. BC stayed home with me two days this week and it went fine. BE doesn’t get out of school until July and it’s having them both at home at the same time that I’m worried about. One on one the kids are fine, but as soon as they get together, it’s non-stop fighting. This drives me crazy.

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control author Heather Forbes answered another reader with a similar concern in her monthly e-newsletter. The question was:

“I’m having a difficult time keeping myself focused on parenting in the Beyond Consequences way. I read several of your books and agree with them, but there are days that I feel like it is all for nothing. We have one good day where I think, ‘Great, this is it.’ Then the next three days we all are disregulated and I feel discouraged. I keep thinking that I’d rather go back to my full-time job, working 60 hours a week with deadlines due yesterday! Do you have any words of wisdom?”

I’m ashamed to admit that on the weekends and the rare weekdays I’m home with both kids, I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel that I’d rather be at work.

In Heather’s response, she addresses the importance of the reader’s status as a stay-at-home parent. She does this by explaining the powerful effect that parents can have on their children.

“Research is showing that simple changes in a child’s environment can literally change a child’s physiology. We are seeing that by placing children with trauma histories in calmer environments with more love-based parenting techniques where a deep level of emotional safety is created, stress hormones within these children’s body systems are decreasing. This means that parents have the ability to literally change the chemical make-up of their children.”

Heather then encourages the reader to change how she thinks about each day.

“Instead of waking up in the morning thinking, ‘I’ve got to get up, fix my children breakfast, pack their lunches, somehow get them out to school on time through the tantrums and meltdowns, and then prepare myself for the dreaded homework after school!’ I encourage you to say to yourself, ‘Today is the day that I will press on to help change my child’s brain. Today is the day that I have the ability to create safety for my child through predictability, understanding, and loving support in order to help my child heal at a physiological and emotional level.’”

I certainly prefer this approach to my own, which is usually very pessimistic. I think the challenge will be thinking this way more consistently and not reverting back to old patterns.

It’s fun to stay at the Boll Family YMCA

The Boll Family YMCA in Downtown Detroit is beautiful. BE participates in Girls on the Run there and both kids attend the Y’s school break camps. BE was really nervous when I first signed her up for winter break camp. It took a while, but now she really loves going. BC enjoys it as well. All the caregivers do a great job, and have been very helpful. Both kids will be there again this summer, and I know they’ll have a great time. It’s another great resources for those of us raising kids in Detroit.

Statue outside the Boll Family YMCA

Wayne State Weekend School of Music

A lot of people are surprised to find out about all the great resources for kids in Detroit. One of my new favorites in the Wayne State University Weekend School of Music. It’s one of those “hidden gems,” and I only found out about it thanks to an old coworker whose own children had attended.

I signed up both BE and BC in January and their session just ended (they’ll start a new one in June – sessions correspond to college semesters). BE took piano and BC took drum. The classes are held as group lessons and meet almost every Saturday. At first I wasn’t sure how the group format would work, but my kids have learned so much and the teachers are great at keeping the kids’ attention.

During a recent class, BE’s teacher took them to see a grand piano and gave them a lesson about how a piano works – it was one of BE’s favorite lessons. Oh, and I can’t forget, the lessons are very affordable!

BE’s tour of the inside of a grand piano

Girls (on the Run) just wanna have fun

Meet the newest poster girl for Girls on the Run:

BE at her first day of Girls on the Run

What’s Girls on the Run, you ask? It’s a program for young girls focused on physical activity and character development.  Throughout the “season,” the girls train in teams for a 5K while completing self-esteem. building activities. I’ve been dying for BE to be old enough to participate for years, and finally this year, she could.

At first, she wasn’t excited about it, and agreed to join only when I bought her a running skirt (perfect for girly girls like her). Well, the season ends next weekend, and she ended up loving every minute of it. She says she wants to go to Girls on the Run every day (not just the two days per week that they meet) and she’s already asked to sign up for the fall. Her coach told me that they should make her the official poster girl because she’s so enthusiastic.

If you have a young daughter, please check it out, it’s a wonderful program. BE runs at the Boll Family YMCA in Downtown Detroit, which is a great facility and will be the subject of its own future post.

Another Mother’s Day

I’ve written in the past about my uneasiness with Mother’s Day, and now I’ve found a new reason to dislike the holiday. One of my fellow Shetroit bloggers recently wrote about the origins of Mother’s Day – who knew it started out as a peace movement? Please take a minute to check it out!

This week, the Shetroit blog was full of Mother’s Day posts and there’s another story that I was truly excited about. One writer, described her mother’s pregnancy at the age of 17 and her decision to parent despite suggestions otherwise. I think family preservation is the best option all around and I’d love to see more stories like this.

I’m 33

There’s a local Ethiopian restaurant that I LOVE, but I’ve been very nervous about taking the kids there. My birthday was earlier this week, and I decided to risk it. So we went, and much to my surprise, the kids did great. They tried almost everything – I think the fact that they got to eat with their hands helped a lot. Maybe we’ll even go back!

Our big platter of Ethiopian food

I wore my Ms. Frizzle skirt for my birthday. I got this skirt from Anthropologie and it reminded me of something Ms. Frizzle (of Magic School Bus fame) would wear.

Birthday card from BC

 

My new blogging project

I’m very proud to be a new member of the blogging team at Shetroit.com! Shetroit.com (a play on “Detroit”) focuses on local women’s inspiring stories. I’ll continue to blog here too, but in the meantime, please check out my first post (and all the other great content on Shetroit.com).

How to give up complaining

I recently committed to give up complaining. I was recently at a meeting of local women writers, and we were asked to share one thing that we could give up. Actually, we were asked to spend some time considering a list of 15 items, and then choose just one that we would commit to focus on. Many of us, including me, could easily have selected more than one, but “give up complaining” really stood out for me.

People who know me probably wouldn’t say that I have a big problem with this. But, that’s only because I rarely share my negative thoughts. Here’s how the list described “give up complaining:”

“Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.”

In my head, I often complain about my kids’ behavior. I often allow them to control my mood and my attitude. Unfortunately, this is just the opposite of what I tell them to do. If they’re upset about something, I remind them that they can’t control anyone else, only themselves.

So, as the year goes on, I’ll be putting a lot of energy in into improving my own attitude.

My twisted, not-so-secret story

I love the Moth Radio Hour on NPR, so I was excited to discover a relatively new storytelling organization in Detroit – The Secret Society of Twisted Storytellers. The organization hosts a storytelling event each month, featuring five or six local storytellers. In March, I got to tell my story and it was a lot harder than I expected. I don’t think I’m natural storyteller, and I’ll probably never do it again, but it was a great experience. Check out my 10-minute story on YouTube.

The events are a lot of fun with some very moving and funny stories. If you’re local, please consider attending the next event on April 26!

Michigan Radio: Adoption and Early Childhood Trauma

I’m a big fan of Michigan Radio (the local NPR affiliate) and I’ve often linked to stories the station has done as part of a project called “State of Opportunity.” This project looks at how the state can improve opportunities for disadvantaged children. So, I was ecstatic when the station asked me to do a guest blog on adoption and early childhood trauma. Check it out on the “State of Opportunity” page!