It is not your fault

No matter how many years I know my kids, I’m sure there will always be things about them that I will never understand. I’ve written about BE and BC’s Life Books before, and occasionally, BE will want to look through hers together. The other night, we were looking at it, and I read one page to her that I’ve always thought is very important, but she’s never seemed to care much about it. One sentence on the page says, “Whatever reason you are not living with your birth family, it is not your fault.”

This time, she responded by saying, “yes it is.” So, we talked about how people make their own choices and how children cannot force their parents to do anything that they don’t want to do. That was the closest we’ve ever come to discussing exactly why she doesn’t live with her first parents – this is a conversation I’m not looking forward to having because it’s not a nice story. We still didn’t address it directly, but at least we set the stage for next time.

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4 thoughts on “It is not your fault

  1. You are right – that is a really important concept – probably between 8-13 especially. As you know I am a DIA adoptee vs from FC. I assumed there was something wrong with me that others could see that I couldn’t. It haunted me and if I am honest – it still does when I am feeling vulnerable – at least until my adult brain scolds my child’s brain…

    Trying to make sense is all I can chalk it up to but your first choice is to blame yourself.

  2. We have two daughters by adoption and have gone through many challenges now that they are adults.They were wards of the state and babies when we got them.Now that they are all grown up we looked and met their birth family and I had hoped it would bring happiness for them.It did not turn out well because the family is seeded with problems.On the up side they both are so thankful they have us now.i loved your post.

    • Thanks, Lexiesnana. I hope your daughters will eventually find peace/hapiness. When my kids find their first parents, it’s likely they’ll have the same experience.

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